Friday 2nd July: Welcome to India.

It's 00.16 and I'm sitting on the bed of the grubbiest hotel I've ever stayed in. After a gruelling journey of over 24 hours, visa bureaucracies, the hassle of booking a domestic flight and then finding somewhere to stay in Mumbai that wasn't a complete rip off, I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I'm currently experiencing the 'India is such a shit/What the hell am I doing here alone?' phase of my trip. Upon leaving the airport I was met with the hot, stuffy, humid night air into which was woven the putrid smell of filth. Welcome to India, indeed.

There are people and scruffy dogs everywhere, the traffic doesn't seem to follow any logical plan (do people actually take driving tests here?!) and indeed the taxi I collided with an auto-rickshaw and a tram on the way to the hotel. I'm very much reminded of my first impressions of Nepal, when arriving almost 6 years ago into the warm night air, anxious and feeling my senses tug in a multitude of directions. Yet, somehow, I don't feel as capable as I did then. Maybe on that occasion I was with a group and the second time returning to see friends. I'm in a totally new place, albeit for one night and feeling pretty miserable. Having too much excess time to think is never a good thing for me.

Why oh why did I choose to specialize in India and Nepal? I'm beginning to wish my career aspirations were different. I'm lonely, tired and stressed. I miss Siobhan's logical reasoning- I don't feel mature enough to be doing this alone. Not to mention hot and sick of the persistent whirring of the air conditioning.

Because nothing in India is ever simple (in my experience, anyway), my flight tomorrow is to Kochin, a city in Kerala located a few hours below Calicut. Unfortunately there don't appear to be any trains running after I arrive, so I may have to spend six or more hours on a bus. I'm hoping Calicut will be nicer and less chaotic than Mumbai. I didn't like it the last time I was here and I certainly don't like it now. I feel a million miles away from everything and particularly vulnerable as a female travelling alone. Yet, I also have personal reasons for making this trip (aside from the Internship and work experience, I mean). I'd like to learn to enjoy my own company and not feel the need to rely so heavily on someone else. I'd much rather be in a less sleazy hotel doing that, though.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better and I'll sound less like a spoiled Westerner...