Confusion.

Following a rather lengthy break from the world of blogging since I've been in India, I found myself feeling guilty at my lack of communication and so this is a guilt-blog. A mixture of factors have influenced this, both private and public, but I'm not going to bore you with those now. Needless to say, sleepness nights, feeling low and nigh perpetual exhaustion don't make for a happy blogger. However, a bit of good news this week has lifted my spirits, rejuvinated my motivation and require me to get my writer's muscles working again.

So, India... It's been six weeks since I arrived in this infuriating, chaotic, disorganized and charming country. Kerala, on the whole, is nice. What isn't so nice is the constant staring as though an alien from the planet Xylotrops has just landed and is wandering down the street. The persistent lack of organization is absolutely infuriating, but that seems to be a characteristic of many such organizations in South Asia from my experience.

What have I been upto? Aside from working Monday-Saturday, being a grammar fascist, yelling at my postgrads and generally complaining about the lack of communication in this organization I have been going out occasionally with Cheryl for curry and a beer, shopping, arranging parties at our hostel, meeting lots of weird and wonderful people and indulging my weakness for self-help books (among other things...). A few weeks ago we spent a heavenly weekend in Kannur (90km North of Calicut), thanks to the very generous Naveen, for a rather decadent mini-break in an ayurvedic clinic opposite the sea. Northern Kerala is famous for its stretches of breathtakingly beautiful, deserted beaches and we definitely weren't dissapointed during our trip. The only drawback was just how romantic and serene the place was and served to remind that I don't have anyone to share that with. But, enough self-indulgent Bridget Jones style whinging...

We are currently in the middle of Onam, Kerala's largest festival (which happens to coincide with Ramadan). This week has consisted of alot of feasting, dancing, singing and general partying, which is always fun. We met even more new people; a particularly special mention goes to Prof. Nayar, a British-Keralan, with the poshest British accent I have ever experienced. He's invited us to his beachside appartment to watch the sunset, which deserves a mention in itself. During the rest of the festival, I will be accompanying Relna to her home in Nilampoor, on the way to Coimbatore which I'm really looking forward to (almost, but not quite, as much as the week-long break!).

I'm constantly rethinking my views and assumptions, the result of which is that I end up confused. I think real intelligence comes from admitting you actually don't know anything at all. Or, maybe, that's my attempt at pretentious philosophical musing. Either way, my knowledge on caste is constantly being questioned, which shifts my perspectives, until something else occurs to move them to a different position again. The same is to be said for gender identity. I'm learning so much about women's identity by talking to my students about dating, marriage, men, their aspirations than I have did during my MSc. Unfortunately, as my understandings are constantly changing, my confusion grows and I become warier of making any assumptions at all. I guess though, that is reflexivity at its best...

So, I shall bid you 'adieu' on that existential note and wish you all a very happy Onam : )